So let me get this straight; its ok for 10 year old kids to come to my house begging me for sweets.

But as soon as I stop outside the school with my van and offer the sweets to them, I'm suddenly a "Pervert"

#halloween

I remember when in the good old days the hardest thing about having a baby was choosing a name.

Nowadays, it's choosing a gender.

#other

A bloke called me a pedophile the other day...

I nearly choked on the paper boy's cock.

Dementia doesn't give a fuck what you think.

#wordplay

Never trust a suicide bomber instructor.

They must be shit.

#other

My wife wants me to slap her when we have sex.

She said it will stop her falling asleep.

#sexandshit

The other day I was masturbating furiously with my eyes closed, and was shocked to find a cup of tea beside me when I'd finished.

So all credit to Starbucks for their customer service.

#other

For the past few months I've been sleeping with a woman, but I have to admit that it has become rather dull and repetitive. Same time, same location, same position.

I almost regret becoming a male nurse on a coma ward.

#sexandshit

Kids are so fucking ungrateful these days it's astonishing. Honestly, I switch tonnes of shifts around at work to get Christmas off, spend numerous hours and hundreds of pounds on dinner and presents, and what do I get?

"Please Mister, we just wanna go home."

#sexandshit

"Why do you want my daughter's hand in marriage? asked her father.

"Because I'm tired of using my own," I replied.

#sexandshit

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Johnny: "Drin-king, smo-king and fuc-king"

I'm not saying I watch too much porn, but when I searched the phrase "Film Cast", Google's response was "Did you mean 'Milf Scat?'"

#sexandshit

Say what you will about pedophiles
But at least they drive through school zones slower

#sexandshit

A man jumped off our office block roof earlier.

I'm still in shock.

He managed to land exactly within the white chalk lines.

#stupid

Hey Google, ya know what else "started in a garage"? My father's alcoholism

#other

Avoid death by drone by not telling anyone you have found 53 billion barrels of oil underneath your garden.

#other

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

#oldbutgold

you know you are getting old when you find your teddy bears legs don't open wide enough

#other

I'm giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry.
That came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month!

#other

The day my wife died, I felt the worst pain I ever felt in my entire life.

I somehow shot my eye when I popped the champagne cork.