LONDON — The British parliament has convened for an emergency session to investigate the events of July 4th, 1776 in the colonies across the Atlantic. Sources indicate an illegal insurrection took place there that cost many lives.

U.S. — For the first time since 1972, pre-born babies are celebrating Independence Day as their human rights have finally been recognized in several states. According to sources, future doctors, explorers, artists, inventors, mothers, and fathers are currently…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a passionate speech in which he begged gas stations across the country to lower gas prices, Biden ended with a plea to pollsters, asking them to raise his approval rating.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With midterm elections fast approaching, Democrats are rushing to pass key elements of their legislative agenda before they're voted out of office in November. To serve that goal, Democrats proudly unveiled the "Raise Gas Prices Even Higher…

HEAVEN — According to sources within the heavenly realm, the promised reward of a mansion for all believers will be augmented for VBS volunteers with the gift of a brand new, perfect Tesla upon arrival.

MALIBU, CA — After Roe v. Wade was overturned, actor Mark Hamill took to Twitter to angrily condemn the decision — as well as people who adopt children like the Star Wars characters Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

THE HAGUE — In an unprecedented move to curb emissions and save the planet, the Dutch government has outlawed food. Farmers are being warned to stop producing planet-killing meat and vegetables before it's too late for Mother Earth to recover.

GURNEE, IL — Local man Bob Bean, who pays 39% of his income to the Federal Government, celebrated his status as a free man living in America this weekend.

Racism is everywhere — especially on July 4th! To be a good anti-racist, you must train yourself to see racism everywhere and then loudly and obnoxiously point it out to everyone you meet.

FALLBROOK, CA — Local husband and father Hank Parsons stopped by the grocery store today on the way home "to pick up a few steaks to ruin for dinner," sources at the Parsons household confirmed.

HOLLYWOOD HILLS, CA — Hollywood actresses are sounding the alarm over the undoing of Roe v. Wade, warning that if their right to abortion is stripped away they may have to hire expensive nannies to watch their unwanted children while they attend award shows.

Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You'll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that's in store for you.

MENLO PARK, CA — A whistleblower inside Facebook publicly released a 1,400-page internal document trying to explain to Mark Zuckerberg how to appear human.

CENTURY CITY, CA — Fox Searchlight Pictures is asking its customers to return copies of its 2007 sleeper hit Juno after it was discovered that old DVD copies falsely attribute the starring role to an Ellen Page, who sources say has never existed. Beloved…

SEATTLE, WA — According to sources, a local woman who calls unborn babies "parasites" has condemned pro-life people for being inhumane.

BURBANK, CA — After Disney's Lightyear disappointed at the box office, failing to earn as much in three weeks as Minions: The Rise of Gru earned in one weekend, Disney announced they are releasing a new cut of Lightyear into theaters — this time with minions…

U.S. — A recently-published study presented a worrying statistic regarding the masses of Californians migrating to other states. The study finds 92% of those fleeing the Golden State don't survive the first winter.

The prophets have long whispered of the return of ULTRA-MAGA King Trump. In faith, we know that his return is inevitable and that he will soon reclaim the presidency and set right what has gone awry.

AUSTIN, TX — During a SpaceX shareholder meeting Elon Musk, father of nine children with three different women, quietly admitted he only wanted to go to Mars to get some peace and quiet.

AUSTIN, TX — Local man Jeremy Rawls and his good friend Luis Dominguez reached a milestone today, having now communicated using only Steve Carell GIFs for eight months straight.