WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden awarded the Medal of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe today, but was devastated to learn that her pink hair doesn't actually smell like strawberries.

LANSING, MI — According to sources, local retriever Buddy has decided to graciously allow his owners to sleep in his bed whenever they want.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Husband scientists employed with the Smithsonian Institution have discovered a strange basket holding dirty clothes, and so far are completely baffled by where it came from or what its use could be.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Climate activists are claiming victory following a recent protest in which they blocked traffic and forced vehicles to idle for an extra 3 hours.

AUSTIN, TX — Elon Musk's total net worth was cut in half Thursday after he took all 9 of his kids to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner and games. Musk, who is the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, reportedly spent over $4 billion on Skee-Ball alone and another $12 million…

COBRA ISLAND — In a prudent move to mitigate the effects of inflation on everyday families with the last name of "Biden," President Joe Biden sold a million barrels from the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves to COBRA, enemy of American freedom and nemesis…

JERUSALEM — The Apostle Paul has demanded that his critics stop "deadnaming" him, explaining that he used his Hebrew name "Saul" before his transition to Christianity but switched to his Roman name "Paul" as a Christian evangelist traveling in Gentile regions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Leader of the free world and President of the United States Joe Biden issued an apology to the American people for an embarrassing blunder that had occurred earlier, stating the following:

SPARTANBURG, SC — After months of anticipation, the Johnson family finally left for vacation this morning, eager to see what urgent cares look like across the country.

EARTH — After examining records from every abortion carried out since the dawn of humanity, scientists have confirmed that the number of safe abortions performed still inexplicably remains at zero.

AUSTIN, TX — The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website.

NEW ASGARD — Thor god of thunder has once again returned to Earth to visit his love interest, Jane Foster. After realizing that Jane was able to wield all the powers of the mighty Thor Odinson by simply picking up his old hammer, Thor has decided to pick…

You can tell a lot about a person by which character they use in Super Smash Bros.

LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local woman Carissa Stewart passed away suddenly today, tragically crushed when she upset the delicately constructed tower of Starbucks cups in her car.

CRYSTAL LAKE, MI — After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things.

JERUSALEM — Jesus of Nazareth has come under fire once again, sparking accusations of ableism after miraculously helping a paralyzed man walk.

LANSING, MI — Local couple Noah and Ashley Mullins finished a simple, one-hour home improvement project today, a mere four years after they started.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom's political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California. While Newsom's ads were urging libs to move to California, Desantis is begging the libs in California…

WASHINGTON — The January 6th hearings ended early last week when a custodian knocked on the door before poking his head in to request that the January 6th Committee clear out for the next group on the schedule.