GENEVA — A panel of Bible scholars has issued a joint statement about what the afterlife holds for unbelieving introverts. The international panel of academics has confirmed that instead of Hell, unsaved wallflowers will be sent to an eternal business networking…

We get it. It's hard to read the divinely inspired word of the creator of the universe. He's so judgy! But, since your salvation might depend on it, you better get some great excuses ready to share on Judgment Day.

COVINGTON, LA — With the monkeypox virus plague tearing its way through gay bathhouses and teachers' lounges across the country, one desperate man hung a "straight pride" flag on his doorposts in hopes that the plague will pass over his household.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pope Francis donned a traditional Cherokee Indian headdress this week in preparation for a meeting with Native American Congresswoman Elizabeth Warren.

BARTLESVILLE, OK — Reporters on the ground say local man Jeff Sheldon is still following his friends around, persisting in telling and re-telling what it means to be an introvert.

Hey man, how's it going? Thank you for shopping with us today, we appreciate your business during these troubling times. Now if you don't mind just go ahead and leave your debit card inserted.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The president shot back at what he called "Super Duper Ultra MAGA Turbo Titans" Monday as he claimed "you can't be pro-insurrection and pro-American" despite being the commander in chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.

CHATTANOOGA, TN — A recent report published by Apple, Inc. has confirmed what many assumed to be true since the iPhone was released in 2007: nearly all iCloud storage consists of fuzzy, out-of-focus, unidentifiable photos of the moon.

Big Tech is cracking down! Facebook and Tik Tok have already banned the use of the word "groomer", and this week Twitter followed suit, evidently perceiving "groomer" as a slur on the LGBTQ+ community. If you're concerned that people who normalize sexualizing…

COEUR D'ALENE, ID — Local dieter Christopher Woodleburk congratulated himself on sticking to his diet routine by enjoying his 23rd consecutive cheat day.

Even the staunchest libertarians deserve love. So throw away the pot you only smoke out of principle and take a shower, you son of liberty! You're going to need to put a little effort into a girl if you ever find one.

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Rockstar Studios' upcoming Grand Theft Auto 6 has already created a splash with news that it will feature the series' first female Latina protagonist. However, gamers are reportedly wary following reports that the character constantly…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's GDP has fallen over the last two quarters, stoking fears of a possible recession due to the fact that America is now in a recession. When asked whether the U.S. is now in a recession, Biden answered that he wasn't qualified to…

Even with the COVID-19 restrictions lifted, Americans have been slow to return to church. Churches need to appeal to a broader, more diverse population if they hope to compete! To that end, here are some woke Sunday School songs that children and their woke…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a COVID scare last week, administration staff are reassuring the country that President Biden is on the mend. According to White House coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha, the President slept well, ate his breakfast, and had a full diaper…

The Biden administration came out today and announced that a recession is not a recession. This isn't the first time the current White House has redefined words, however.

PORTLAND, OR — Local parents Cindy and Bob Conners have devised a clever plan to protect their son from gender indoctrination at school. During the first week, they are dressing up their 7-year-old son as a girl so that teachers will encourage him to challenge…

Apparently, the U.S. economy is in a recession right now, but who knows? We're told by experts that recessions are bad, so it's important to know whether you're in one. Fortunately, our experts put together this handy flowchart to help you figure it out!

The GDP (Gross Domestic Product) numbers were released today and it turns out we're in a recession.

FORT FARRAKHAN, CA — A U.S. Army spokesperson admitted concern today after the recent drop in recruitment numbers, despite the unveiling of the new "America Is Racist, You Should Die For It" slogan.