Even the staunchest libertarians deserve love. So throw away the pot you only smoke out of principle and take a shower, you son of liberty! You're going to need to put a little effort into a girl if you ever find one.

U.S. — The government that shut down beaches, parks, churches, schools, birthday parties, restaurants, retail shops, bars, cafes, skate parks, funerals, and hundreds of other locations, gatherings, and events across the country to slow the spread of COVID…

As we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol' Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this "climate change" thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and - to our great shock …

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats quickly issued a redefinition of the word "loss" after getting stomped in the congressional baseball game by the Republicans, who shut out the Democrats 10-0.

Is your wife a true crime addict? You need to look for these warning signs:

WORLD — A tragic new study has found that the vast majority of humanity - nearly 8 billion people - are not currently playing Square Enix's classic JRPG Chrono Trigger.

ATLANTA, GA — The CDC has updated its list of essential and non-essential activities during a pandemic or outbreak, adding "gay orgies" to the "essential" category.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate's qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.

KNOXVILLE, TN — Local woman Carol Hughes is being blatantly persecuted for her faith while at work. After she placed a flowery, verse-a-day calendar on her office desk earlier today, not a single person has commented on it in any way, shape, or form.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a year of deliberation on how to address rapid inflation and a shrinking economy, Democrats have at last landed on the bold strategy of doing the same exact things that helped land us in this mess to begin with.

HUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.

Just when you thought the woke monster couldn't add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are…

FRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.

HOUSTON, TX — Joel Osteen took the Apostle Paul to task on Sunday, calling out his awful habit of negative self-talk and overly mournful diatribes.

HENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.

GALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the "quadruple vaccinated."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been forced to cancel her planned flight to Taiwan after China announced they have developed deadly surface-to-air vodka-seeking missiles.

CLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.

MOSCOW — After months of singlehandedly raising America's gas prices without any help whatsoever from the Biden administration, Russian President Vladimir Putin has mercifully given Americans a short break by lowering the price at the pump. For his benevolence…