BATTLE MOUNTAIN, NV — Wife and stay-at-home mom Maria Bruciato began preparing Sunday dinner by opening her recipe book, pulling out the required ingredients, and quietly disabling all of the smoke alarms in the house.

ATLANTA, GA — In an effort to better serve his loyal audience, comedian-producer-writer-actor-entertainer-singer-songwriter-supermarket customer-congressional lobbyist-world conqueror Tyler Perry has announced the launching of his own Madea+ streaming service.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans face a difficult choice this week, as Democrats have introduced a bill to save puppies but attached billions in unrelated spending. Conservatives may propose amendments, but hesitate to oppose the bill since it…

HOUSTON, TX — Joel Osteen took the Apostle Paul to task on Sunday, calling out his awful habit of negative self-talk and overly mournful diatribes.

SIOUX FALLS, SD — According to sources, local married couple Keith and Rebecca Powell can't decide what they want to eat for dinner, and have each decided to ask one another what they want for dinner over and over until they both starve.

KABUL — Biden is demanding answers after a precision drone strike in Afghanistan actually killed a real terrorist leader named Ayman al-Zawahiri instead of a car full of innocent children, as is tradition.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The LGBTQ+ lobby has added the Monkeypox symbol to the Pride Flag in honor of their ever-evolving movement for freedom and equity.

Biden's two years into his presidency, blowing through all expectations of how long he would live after his inauguration. How does he stack up with Trump? Let's take a look at this comprehensive side-by-side comparison:

LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — Authorities announced their arrival at the home of Blake Blertherberg with a terse knock on his front door. They were there to confiscate his man card after he had called a handyman to fix a faucet, like the sad excuse for a man he is.

OCEANSIDE, CA — A local man has been taken up directly to heaven after managing to miraculously stop a gas pump exactly on the ".00" while filling up his car, sources say.

GATES OF HE'LL — After an autocorrect error slipped through in the sorting of souls, thousands of the damned were accidentally sent to he'll for eternity.

YOUNTVILLE, CA — Just hours after California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency to slow the spread of the monkeypox virus, he was photographed attending an orgy at The French Laundry, the same upscale restaurant where he dined during the…

SODOM AND GOMORRAH — Both the city of Sodom and the city of Gomorrah have declared a state of emergency immediately in response to the Monkeypox outbreak. The cities are now providing all the resources they can so citizens can continue their orgies without…