I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died...
"Are you still holding the ladder?"

#oldbutgold

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

#oldbutgold

My personal trainer has just been sentenced to 9 years for selling drugs. I've been going to him for years.

Just shows that you never really know someone. I had no idea he was a personal trainer.

#oldbutgold

Killing Black People Is Like Saying The N Word
They do it all the time but get really angry when white people join in.

#oldbutgold

As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine.

"No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. '

But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

#oldbutgold

I guess there is one distinct advantage to living in a redneck family.
Only one person has to be tested at the STD clinic.

#oldbutgold

My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

#oldbutgold

How can you milk a sheep?
Release a new iPhone.

#oldbutgold

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the entire chicken.

#oldbutgold

I was going to tell a joke about unemployment
But they never work

#oldbutgold